Red Van Ramblings

Long time, no post. 

I must say I get pretty caught up in my days and basically feel overwhelmed most of the time.  So it seems, sadly, that my blog is what goes lacking! (Along with the laundry, vacuuming, etc.)  I have certainly thought about posting things that have happened and tell myself that “I’ll get to that tonight”.  But y’all know how that goes…it doesn’t!  Usually, my blog fodder ideas get condensed into 150 character or less Facebook statuses.  So, there ya go.

But today, Jacob and I had one of the best laughs we’ve had in a while and I had to share before the day got away. We’re on our lunch break, so here goes.

We’ve been studying recently about how our fine nation came to be…from colonies to a country.  These last couple of weeks, we’ve been reading the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.  Thanks to my friends at Schoolhouse Rock, we have memorized the Preamble.  Can’t stop singing it either!  I must say that the Constitution is quite the snooze-fest (sorry, but it is), but I rather enjoyed the Declaration of Independence, which I shamefully admit that I had never read before this week…not that I remember anyway.  They really slammed on my boy King George III.  You should read it some time. 

Anyway…as we were reading and deciphering the Bill of Rights today, we found ourselves at the 10th Amendment trying to figure out, in “regular person terms”, just what in the heck it means.  I gotta say that I’m still not completely clear on it, but it’s something about the power of the states and the people and blah blah blah, which led us to visit our friend Google to try to make more sense of it.  Then we started talking about how states can make some laws of their own, apart from the federal government (as long as they don’t violate the Constitution, of course!) and how stupid some of them are.  Which led us back to our faithful friend Google to look at some of the dumbest of the dumb. 

Which brings me to the reason we have all gathered here today…a Letterman’s Top Ten, of sorts:

Top Ten Dumbest State Laws (according to Jacob and Joell)

10. In California, it is illegal to pile horse manure more than 6 feet high on a street corner. (“Hey, hon?  Can you get me the the tape measure?  <sigh> Looks like Trigger might have put us over the 6 ft mark again…”)

9.  In Alaska, it is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. (Dead ones, no problem, though.)

8.  In Illinois, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on a curb.  (Consider yourselves warned, all you curbside beer bucket drinkers!  Just go stand in the alley with your bucket o’ beer, would ya?)

7.  In Kansas, it is illegal to hunt whales.  (Ummm, last time I checked there was no ocean in Kansas…is there something I’m missing here?)

6.  In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. (Makes you wonder what kind of devastating tragedy prompted this law to be put on the books, doesn’t it?)

5.  In West Virginia, it is illegal for children to attend school with their breath smelling of wild onions. (“Dang it, Maw, I dun tole you not to put them thar onions on my sammich and now I dun landed myself up here in the pokey!”)

4.  In Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. (Okaaaaaaay??)

3.  In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup.  (Dang, how else am I supposed to eat it??)

2.  In Texas, it is illegal to emit obnoxious odors in an elevator. (Sorry folks, but you better hold it in till you get to your destination.)

AND…Drum Roll Please!

1.  In Florida, it is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00 pm on Thursdays. (But any other day of the week you can just let her rip, apparently??)

And with that, because I know all my friends love Schoolhouse Rock just as much as I do, but mainly because I want y’all to have this looping through your brain with me, (Hey, I don’t want to suffer alone), I give you, THE PREAMBLE 70s Schoolhouse Rock Style. Enjoy.

 

“Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.”  ~Chili Davis

It has arrived.  The day upon which I embark on a little adventure I like to call

“Holy Crap I’m Forty”. 

Yep.

Seriously, it is a very difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around.  How can this be?  Why, just last week, I was 21, right?? Or so it seemed.

Somebody once said forty is the new 30. Frankly, 30 kinda freaked me out, so I’m gonna say that 40 is the new 29.  Call it denial if you would like.  I can be okay with that.

Just roll with me here.

I wish I could flail my arms in the air and say “Yippee, I’m 40!”  But honestly, at this point in time, the main thing I’m feeling is, well, pretty flabulous.  And if I flailed my flabulous arms, anyone in my vicinity might be seriously injured, so we’ll just skip that!  I am very out of shape.  I’m moderately stressed. And by golly, the economy is nothing, if not uncertain.  So what’s a girl, er, middle-aged woman, to do?

Here are some things I’ve noticed of late:

• Recently, I have found some disturbingly random hairs growing inappropriately on my forehead…that is to say, somewhere in the space above my eyebrows and below my hairline, I’m having to pluck.  Something’s just wrong about that.  Thank God for tweezers is all I can say.
• Things creak when I get out of bed or walk up the stairs.  Sadly, it is neither the floor nor the stairs which is creaking.
• I don’t remember the last time the lady at the grocery store carded me when I came through the line with my bottle of Pinot Grigio.
• I say a lot of things my mom used to say to me that I swore I’d never say. (i.e., “Because I said so”,  “I’m not every one else’s mom”)
• I won’t give you the details, but my “cycle” has begun to change significantly.  I even think I had a hot flash yesterday.  Not kidding.
• I have to break out the 1.00 magnifiers occasionally and keep a pair in my purse and by my bed.

On the other hand, there are some things, that come along with being in your teens, 20s and 30s, that I’d just as soon not have to endure again:

• Making reallllllly dumb decisions due to being young and naive
• Dating
• Planning a wedding…boy, would I do A LOT of things differently (I’d keep the same sweet guy though!)
• Childbirth (Adore my precious ones, but wouldn’t want to do it again)
• Learning how to deal with passive aggressive people
• Learning that people are always going to judge you
• Learning that people are always going to give you unsolicited advice
• Learning to ignore the aforementioned judging and advising

There is a lot to be said for turning forty.  And the flabulousness could, with a lot, and I do mean a lot, of work, be turned into fabulousness.  Not that I am not, even at this moment, simultaneously flabulous AND fabulous. BUT, I would perhaps feel more fabulous if I were less flabulous…but, I digress…

Happy Birthday to Me!  I’m facing the big 4-0 head on!  Now let’s eat some cake, cause y’all know how I love me some cake!

“ Mmmm. Crunchy potatoey goodness”  ~ Emma as she took a bite of her McDonald’s hashbrown yesterday morning.

My kids are so funny.  It is not unusual for them to make me laugh OUT on a daily basis.  Jacob’s little comments all day long crack me up. 

The Algebra 1 curriculum we are using…Teaching Textbooks…LOVE IT!  I like to call it Algebra for Dummies, and by that I mean ME! not Jacob! FINALLY, algebra makes sense! WHY OH WHY didn’t we have this in 1984??? SIGH. But I digress…So, the lesson will often have funny word problems and they are right up Jacob’s humor alley.  Usually he will rattle off some extension of the word problem that is hilarious.  For example, we are working with negative numbers this week.  One of the word problems today was:

The second-rate superhero can only save 2 damsels in distress per decade, how many damsels can he save in x decades? 

(The answer is 2x damsels, FYI.)

Jacob turns this into a whole scenario about “Second-Rate Superhero”.  “Second-Rate Superhero.  The strength of half a man.  Able to watch bullets go flying by…”  Anyway, it was funny.

And speaking of funny.  My kids, my budding film makers, have been at it again.  This time playing with stunt fighting and sound effects…

ENJOY!

Didn’t you just love the bloopers??  Thank God for humor!  It totally gets me through! 

That,  AND Special K Chocolatey Delight my new favorite cereal and indulgence! Can you say PMS??  That may have been TMI, but I’m just sayin’, it’s really hitting the spot these days. Get some!

Here is a little post script to the last entry…

It’s a film Emma (AKA Cinematic Genius) made that she calls…

…DUN DUN DUN…

The Sad Ending of Peanutbutter the Cat. 

Enjoy.

UGH!  It used to just be the little next door neighbor BOYS that would hang out in our yard, or sometimes just walk in our back door unannounced. They would always be there stalking poor Jacob every time he would carefully and oh-so-quietly slide the back door open. 

And now it’s their CAT too???!  OY VEY. 

Earlier in the summer, I redid our flower beds in the front of the house laid down some of the stuff that is supposed to repel the weeds and then put some nice mulch out.  It looks quite nice, if I do say so myself.

Well, apparently Peanut Butter, the cat, thinks it’s quite nice too…AS A LITTER BOX!  Not only that, but the cat seems to make himself right at home—under my car, lounging on my driveway, relaxing in my bushes or out in the yard.  I find myself getting more and more annoyed.  Dang, at least the little boys don’t take a dump in my mulch.

SIGH.

Then on Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in the front room of our house, at the computer desk, talking on the phone with my sweet friend Lisa P. (hollaaaa!). All of a sudden, I look out the window and I see him. 

Caught him red handed copping a squat in the mulch around the dinky tree in my front yard!

Still on the phone, I bolt out the front door, like a raving lunatic, shouting and shoo-ing the cat in mid squat.  He runs off, of course.  I mean, wouldn’t you if some crazy person was coming at you like that?

I smile in satisfaction at my success, and then, I look up. 

A couple of houses down the street, I see three of my neighbors (not the cat owners) have enjoyed the show as well.  

You know I DO try to bring joy to my friends and neighbors.  SO embarrassing. Oh well.

I’m not going to lie.  I have had some ill will towards Peanut Butter in recent days.  I even consulted my friend Google on“how to keep cats out of your flower bed”.  I guess I don’t want to *really* hurt him.  But I do want him to go away.  Sadly, I am too wimpy to go to the neighbors themselves and say, “hey, your cat is a…nuisance”.  I could secretly call animal control.  But then, I’d feel all guilty.

For now, I’m just putting some orange slices out in the flower bed and around my tree.  Google told me that cats dislike citrus. 

I hope Google is right.  Cause, I’d hate for something bad to happen to the kitty.

But, you didn’t hear that from me.

 

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leaves us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

~from Robert Burns’ poem To A Mouse

Today’s plan WAS to include some sort of cleaning/straightening up around the casa.  Somehow that hasn’t yet happened.  Could be the cleats that I had to go all over creation to find for Emma took WAY longer than I had budgeted time-wise.  Now I’m just feeling lazy after a long week.  And what I really want to do is just go lie on the couch and watch the crazy housewives of Atlanta or a marathon of Bridezillas or CSI or some other brainless TV.  Go ahead and laugh, but you know you want to do the same thing.

I spent the majority of today with Emma (who is awesome) and her friend Kayla (who loves the 80s and all it’s music and has a very dry wit—digging that kid!  She knows the lyrics to Prince’s “When Doves Cry”…I’m not kidding!)  They are both 11.  We were shopping around looking for the elusive cleats for Emma.  Softball has started back up and the cleats I bought for her (for seven dollars on clearance) last spring from Wally World don’t fit her anymore??!  I was astounded when she went to put them on last week and they were too tight.  My kids are growing like weeds, I tell you! 

I measured Jacob and Emma in mid-June…just a couple of months ago…and Jacob was 5’3 3/4”.  I measured Jacob on Tuesday of this week (we are following his height and weight as part of his PE for school) and he was 5’5”!!!  Okay, let’s do the math people.  That means my child has grown 1 1/4” in 2 months time!  At that rate, he’s going to be like 6’ by next summer!  Keep in mind, his daddy is about 5’8 1/2” on a tall day.  I’m about 5’ 7 1/2” myself, but dang!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s growing.  For a long time, he walked around saying he was going to be a midget (his word, not mine, I realize it is not PC)!   Granted, he stayed the same height for years it seemed!  But now he may very well become the Jolly Green Giant!  Not something I had exactly planned on.  But, hey, you just never know!

I hear the couch calling, so I’m going to answer.  The dishes will get done when they get done!  I have a strong suspicion that they aren’t going anywhere.

 

“My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.”  ~Ashleigh Brilliant

Just as a preface…all summer, I SWORE I’d get back to blog land…I am NOT a quitter, after all.  Obviously, that never happened.  The few readers that would drop by here from time to time may have quit ME though…can’t really blame you.  Some vacay I’ve had.  Last blog was May-something?  Sad, very sad.  No REAL excuse for my absence, just seems like life has gotten in the way.

Moving on.

I have landed at a place in my life where I never thought I would.  In fact, not only did I THINK I never would, I also SAID I never would.  You know how they say that word “never” will come back and bite you in the butt???  Yeah, well, they are right.

As of August 17th, I am the proud mother of a high schooler and a middle schooler.  When I had my babies, and they were my little cuddly, yummy, sweeties, I never spent any time really thinking about the fact that they would actually GROW UP!  I never imagined myself here in this stage of life.  It’s kinda freaked me out a little.

But, occasionally, some speeding, out of control trains are overlooked by our friend Superman, and they speed on toward you with no hope of ever being stopped!

SIGH.

And so here I stand, on the tracks, staring dead in the face of that train as it barrels down the tracks in my direction.

Enough with the analogy already.

SO, Emma has now spent a full week at her new school.  And she is loving it!  SHWEW!  So glad.  She is concerned that she doesn’t really have any friends yet. But I feel sure that is short-lived.  She has handled it all like such a champ.  Do y’all feel my proud mama vibes?

Jacob has also spent a full week at his new school.  And so have I.  Because, as it turns out, I am his teacher.  Yes, we have made the head-long jump into the world of homeschooling (AKA the thing I said I’d “never” do).  I never saw it coming—well, not until a few months ago anyway—and yet, here I am.  Here WE are.  Our front room has been transformed into a “schoolroom”, complete with maps, textbooks and whiteboard.  It has been the most exhausting and the most rewarding week I’ve had in years.  No lie.  That kid is one amazing kid.  Can’t wait to see what we learn this year, and I don’t just mean academically.

I’ll keep y’all posted.

I am starting to sense that excitement that comes with nearing the end of another school year.  Could be that there are only thirteen days of school left, but who’s counting, right?  Suddenly I have a little more pep in my step.  It is an unexplainable sense of relief. 

People—other mothers—often say to me, “How can you love summer so much?  The kids are out of school and every two words out of their mouths are “I’m bored”.  How can you stand it?”  My answer is, I just love having my kids around.  I like my kids.  Of course I love them, but I sincerely like them as people.  I’m not trying to brag or anything, but I do, in fact, think my kids are the cooliest.  They are hilarious.  Yeah, they have their moments where they get on my nerves, but thankfully, those are few and far between.  They get along with each other extremely well and will often hang out together.  They are really incredible kids.

For example, the other day, my precious Emma made this for me:  

She also made this AWESOME bookmark for me:

I ask you…How well does this kid know me???  I mean look at the adorable little beach bag and the sunglasses hanging off the side.  How cute is that?!  Just out of the blue, for no reason, she made these.  AND she didn’t ask me for anything later! HA HA.  I can’t think of anything extraordinarily spectacular I had done that day to deserve such recognition.  Just the “yooszh” (iCarly terminology for “the usual”…and if you are unfamiliar with iCarly, then you are obviously not getting your quota of Nickelodeon.  Sheesh!  Hop to it, people!).

Jacob is no slacker either.  When we’ve gotten through a lengthy night of homework for example, he’ll always hug me and say, “Thanks for helping me with my homework, Mom.”  It tears my heart out every time.  I look at that kid…that 14 year old precious boy who is getting to be as tall as his mama…and I just want to EAT HIM UP!!  I simply cannot help it.  I’m getting all verklempt just thinking about it…I need a moment…I’ll give you a topic…

Rhode Island is neither a road nor an island.  Discuss.

<deep cleansing breath>

Okay.

To top it all off, they tolerate my incessant singing outbursts and the fact that I make them listen to 80s music.  Not to mention the Friday Dance.  And I honestly think they are only moderately humiliated by my presence.  Which is a good thing…they won’t be shaking me anytime soon!   Muahahahaha!  And, of course, I do see it as my job, nay, my parental responsibility, to do embarrassing things occasionally. 

They are really something, those two.

Now, who wants to ask me how I can stand summer??

Well, I’m sitting here playing Bejeweled and trying to think of something witty to write about, as I see I am ever so quickly sliding down the slippery slope of blog delinquency once again. 

Darn you, Facebook!  *shakes fists*

I had a “moment” last week.  You know, one of those times where you re-learn something you already know.  Maybe you’ve never had that experience.  If you haven’t, I’d say it’s probably because you are a lot smarter than me...or maybe you just don’t give a hoot.  Regardless, I find that I need a lot of repetition to “get” something.  Or at least, I need a lot of reminders. 

Last Tuesday evening Emma and I went over to her new middle school for band registration for next year.  Emma has watched her big brother play French Horn for the last 4 years and has been not-so-patiently waiting for HER turn to play a band instrument.  Her time has arrived.  She has been saying for a long time that she is going to play the trumpet—which I thought was pretty cool. 

The point of the band registration night was for the band teacher to demonstrate each instrument and then test each child’s ability with said instruments to see how well suited they are…oh, AND to get these kids all jacked up about being in band! Woohoo! 

Emma wrote down her top 3 to try: 1)trumpet 2)baritone 3)trombone.  When her turn came to try the instruments, she was able to get sound out of all three, but had the least success with the trumpet.  She could hit the lower registers, but not the higher ones.  She got some very nice sound from the baritone and the trombone, so they were possibilities, but I could read Band Lady’s face…she was thinking Em might should branch out of the brass family and venture into another land, say, perhaps, woodwind.

Hmm. 

Now, in MY mind, I’m thinking, (no offense to any of you professional clarinetists out there) PLEASE not the clarinet…those things sound excruciating when someone is learning them.  And with the noise sensory issues in our home, I was thinking, chronic major meltdowns!  Band Lady kindly asked Emma if there were any other instruments she would like to try.  Emma gave her patented shrug and looked at me.  I said, “Well, we’re here…now’s the time to try them all.  Just for fun, why not?”  I suggested she blow some air over the flute.  She agreed.  (I hope she continues to take her mama’s advice. Ha!)  Band Lady put that flute up to Emma’s lips and I must tell you that something magical happened.  The loveliest and most effortless sound came out and I think we were all surprised.  Band Lady’s wide-eyed excited response—“Wow, girl!” 

Once Em finished trying the instruments, we were asked to go discuss which one she thought she’d like to play.  Band lady’s list of most promising instruments for Emma were flute, then baritone and then trombone.  As we stepped outside to talk about it, I asked Emma, “Are you disappointed?” 

Emma: Not really.

Me:  It wasn’t what you expected was it. 

Emma: No.

Me:  Getting notes out of the trumpet was harder than you thought, wasn’t it.  Did the flute feel more natural to you?

Emma: Yes, it did!

Me:  You were surprised when you got that kind of sound out of the flute, weren’t you? <pause> (I could tell she was thinking)  What do you think about playing the flute?

Emma: Mooom, EVERYBODY plays the flute.  I wanted to do something different.  But it was the easiest. 

(In my mind, I’m thinking yes, EVERYBODY plays the flute, but EVERYBODY also plays the trumpet…take a look at the band next time…lots of flutes, trumpets, and yes, clarinets.)

We talked it over some more.  She asked me what I would do.  I told her it was her decision, that if she really would rather play baritone or trombone, she certainly could.  I was sure with practice she’d be great at any of them, honestly.  (The girl does not like making decisions…wonder where she gets that from.)

I had to chuckle to myself about how funny we are.  We, in our humanity, make our plan and then set out to put it in motion.  Often, we will close our eyes to anything other than our way.  “I am going to play the trumpet!” we proclaim. I imagine God, in His sovereignty, smiling and saying, “Wait, I’ve got something better, something that will fit you just perfectly. Just listen to that magical sound that comes from that flute when you blow! You didn’t expect THAT did you??”  She had her heart so set on being a trumpet player that she hadn’t even considered the possibility of something else.  It was all a little too familiar.

This won’t come as a shock to you, but things don’t always turn out like we plan—which is not necessarily a bad thing.  It is God’s plan—instead of your own—working its way into your life.  And it is always for the better.  We just have to allow for that possibility.  More trust and less rushing in head first with our own determined will leading us.

Emma went back in and told Band Lady that she wanted to play the flute.  (Her decision, really.)  Turns out that there are only 2 other students besides Emma planning to play flute next year. 

We got in the car to go home and she said, “Mom, I’m so excited!  I’m going to be a flute player!”

I had to laugh…and I had to laugh at myself.  We’ve all heard the saying, “If you want to make God laugh, just go ahead and tell Him your plans.”  Of course I *know* this…this “things don’t usually go how you plan”. How many times have I told God what I was or wasn’t going to do?  Rushed headlong into something with “my plan” and then either had to eat my words or clean up the big mess I had made! 

I don’t think our moment was so much about what instrument Emma would play, but more about both of us hearing God say, “See?  Trust My plan…there IS one, you know!”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Today commences another year’s standardized testing aka torture.  I know I complain about it a lot, but honestly, I have now decided that it’s not so bad because there is no homework during testing weeks! That’s a BIG “thumbs up” here in mi casa!

Meanwhile, Emma has celebrated her 11th birthday!  So hard to believe.  She is growing up before my eyes…they both are… and turning into such wonderful people.  I really LIKE my children.  I love them like crazy, but I really like them as people.  I like hanging out with them.  They are such cool kids.

There was the obligatory sleepover birthday party.  Complete with going to the pool, making our own pizzas and decorating flip flops.  I think the girls had a good time.  Personally, I was exhausted.  But I’m glad Em was happy.   

In other news, thanks to my high school buddy Yvette, I have discovered another cool something here on the world wide web…Pandora Radio.  This is SO COOL!  It is free and you can basically customize your own radio station.  You have to check it out.  I have created an 80s station that I am LOVING.

Life is busy around here.  Emma is playing softball, seems like a lot. But she is having fun.  Their record is currently 3-7, but they have improved tons since their first game.  Think Bad News Bears-ish.  But now they are fielding that ball and getting some hits.  Go Her-icanes!   

Jacob is working hard too…we began the summer countdown a little while ago…back at day 40.  Today is T minus 20 and counting!  We are all SO ready for this year to be over and move toward our homeschool plan for next fall.  He is excited.  And so am I.  Excited but nervous.  I’m not sure how it is all going to look, but I am going to make it work.  I always say that whatever God calls you to do, He equips you to do it.  And there is no other way that I’d be fixing to homeschool except that it is a God thing.  Trust me.  I was one of “those” people who always truly admired those who could homeschool, but I wasn’t one of them.  Well, here I go.  Yes, I hear God (and some of my friends) laughing too.  I’ll keep you posted. 

Emma however, will be going to public school.  She was accepted into a local middle school of the arts.  So, she is really excited about that…in spite of the fact that none of her friends are going.  She says she’ll be lonely; I say, not for long. 

But let’s just get through the next 20 days, eh?  And then breeze on into the summer.  Anybody else out there feeling me on this??