Red Van Ramblings: Random Silliness

Pleasant Dinner Conversation

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 01:38:32 GMT

Tonight's dinner conversation:

Room Clearing Farts. Not just Room Clearing Farts, but Room Clearing DOG Farts.

Nice, right?

Yes. Yes it is.

My son: "Mom, what kind of food would a dog have to eat to create a room clearing fart?"

Where is this coming from, I wonder? But I go with it.

My answer: Chinese Food or Soy Nuts.

Emma said: Beans.

Dad doesn't say anything, just starts cracking up.

What??

Suddenly, and randomly, I might add, the topic turns from Room Clearing Dog Farts to the Karate Kid and the whole "wax on-wax off" scheme of Mr. Miyagi. How did it all come to this? I don't know.

Jacob says, "Miyagi only wanted some free labor". I quite agree.

"Oh yes, he was teaching him Karate (Ka-rah-tee)", Emma says.

**Suddenly, I was reminded of the time we were driving through a local shopping center where there was a Karate studio and Emma, impulsively, read the sign as "Care Ate". This was fairly recently and it cracked us all up because she immediately realized her mistake.**

So I jokingly say to Emma, "Oh, you mean 'Care Ate' don't you??" <wink>

To which she replies, with a tilt of her head, a raised eyebrow and a point of her fork, "Touché, Mom, touché."

She's 10.

Will dance for food.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 18:33:21 GMT

"Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity." ~Voltaire

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Who knew you could get so jacked up about cheese toast?? Oh my kids just SLAY me. SLAY ME, I tell you.

This morning the kids want some breakfast. Sadly, I must say they have been making their own for the majority of the summer. Unless we've had company, then I'll drag my lazy butt out of bed to actually cook something. Sad, but true. I make my usual list of suggestions (of things THEY can prepare)--there's cereal, frozen waffles, toaster strudel, pop tarts, toast, cheese toast... Emma's eyes lit up! CHEESE toast!, she says.

Y'all ARE familiar with phenomenon known as cheese toast aren't ya? Piece of bread with some good hunks of cheese on it, toasted until it is all melty ooey gooey deliciousness. Easily made in the handy dandy toaster oven. My favorite kitchen appliance. Use it every day. For reals.

So I decided I would come supervise the cheese cutting (he he) and ended up cutting the cheese myself (snort, cracking meself up). As I am cutting (okay enough already), Emma is over there, doing some sort of CHEESE TOAST DANCE. I WISH I had filmed it. It was just too hilarious and I can't possibly describe it well enough. Just trust me on this. She was bopping all around the kitchen singing "Cheese toast, cheese cheese, toast toast", over and over. I was cracking up. I guess it's the simple things in life. She was so vigorous in her jig, though, that she actually turned her ankle while performing! LOL. No, I am not laughing at my child's pain. Really, she wasn't hurt bad, but she looked pretty surprised. Then she hollered to Jacob asking if HE wanted any cheese toast. "Sure" he said...his common response to most things. He is really a surprisingly flexible kid. And the dance commenced again.

Just a few minutes ago, I hear them playing in the other room and they BOTH suddenly erupt in the "Cheese Toast Dance". Never mind it's been 5 hours since they had breakfast. I guess it didn't get old yet.

Here's to dancing for food.

Funny Bone

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:26:04 GMT

Feeling a little redneck today...and I mean that in the most complimentary kinda way.

Enjoy this parody of Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel."

For your viewing pleasure, here is:

Tim Hawkins' "Cletus Take the Reel"

For more funny stuff by Tim Hawkins, you can visit his website.

Just for fun

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 17:23:33 GMT

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road." ~Henry Ward Beecher

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Just for fun, here's a list of recent Google searches which have landed people at my blog----seriously, I don't make this stuff up.

people selling meat door to door from a freezer on the back of a truck
middle school armpit hair
red can y red van
pox from robin hood
Rapunzel Rapunzel with hair so fine
it's a bummer
hopped up on benadryl
an ode to my fatness
locks of love
can dogs get chicken pox
head lice help
i'm speeding because i have to poop bumper sticker

There is also the EVER popular search for the photo of my favorite underwear which gets me hits EVERY day, at least once. Hmm. I hope it's ladies shopping for underwear and not pervy picture seekers, but I guess we'll never know.

Cracks me up every day.

Our New Addition

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 15:08:10 GMT

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on." ~Roseanne Barr

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The hubby and I are overjoyed to introduce to you the new addition to our family...A healthy (roughly) 18 pounder. A hard-working girl named Dyson. We are quite proud of her. And we are expecting great things of her!

Seriously. I was in bad need of a new vacuum. The old one (may she rest in peace...pause for a moment of silence in her honor...) had seen better days. She came into our lives in 1992 and it was just time to let her go peacefully to the place where all good vacuum cleaners go when they have taken their last breath...The great vacuum cleaner closet in the sky. *Sniff sniff*

My new girl is quite the sucker! It was MOST frightening the "stuff" that she collected in her beautiful see-through collection bin. After I vacuumed each room, I would say to the kids, "Holy cow!! Would you look at how much disgusting grossness Dyson sucked out of the carpet in the living room??!" The HORROR! They would give me the collective "EWWWWW!" Oh, how they will humor their mother! God bless 'em!

So, it is with great pride, I raise a toast to Dyson and say, "Welcome to the family!"

Leapin' Lizards!

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 13:42:49 GMT

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown

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We went to visit hubby's parents this past weekend. We had a great weekend. Magnificent weather, everyone's been in a good mood. Couldn't have asked for a nicer weekend. Not to mention the fact that we now have the capability of going for a weekend visit! It's a beautiful thing!

Sunday morning.

It's breakfast time. Hubby's mom, henceforth MIL, is like a whirlwind in the kitchen. And as per usual, is preparing every breakfast food known to mankind. MIL is a trip and I love her! She is a cooking fool! She is generous and kind...and not just a little skittish about critters. You know, critters: bugs that fly, bugs that crawl, snakes and other various univited pests, er, I mean, guests. Did I mention they live out in the country where "critters" abound?

Hubby's dad, henceforth FIL, is sitting at the kitchen table, finishing up his breakfast. I'm also sitting back at the table, drinking some java, chatting with my BFF, Kristi, on the phone. Suddenly, I hear that familiar "high C" as we call it...the famous MIL shriek. "WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I nearly drop my coffee cup on the floor and tell Kristi I gotta go! "What IS it?" I say.

I look across the table and sitting there, ON THE TABLE, just as pretty as you please is a LIZARD. Not a big lizard...maybe about 4 inches from head to tail, one of those skinny little lizards you see climbing up the side of your house or on the bushes in your flower beds. Not trying to hurt anybody, but it was just in the spot that MIL was about to set down her plastic honey bear! "Joell you've got to get it!" I'm throwing the phone down and scrambling for something to "get it" with.

Meantime, I'm hollering for the kids to come check out this lizard! In all the hubbub, Lizard has made his way to the back of the kitchen table chair next to FIL. I'm standing there, looking at Lizard, thinking about how I'm going to "get it". NO LIE, Lizard is looking at me! We're now all standing there, just staring at Lizard. I decide to get two plastic cups to aid me in my capture of Lizard. "I don't mind killing it" MIL says. Emma, the animal lover, horrified, says, "Don't kill it, Grandma!" MIL says, "Jacob, pick it up and throw it outside".

Lizard is still on the chairback. Slowly, slowly, Jacob moves toward the lizard. Index finger and thumb spread apart and ready to grasp Lizard firmly, yet gently, around his middle and give him a personal escort out the door. We are all frozen, holding our collective breath and staring at him. He is a hair away from snagging Lizard, and Lizard appears as though he is going to allow himself to be snagged. When all of a sudden, FIL, who has been just casually observing this whole scenario, HOLLERS out, HEYYYYYY!!! scaring the crap out of all of us...including Lizard, who takes this opportunity to scramble off the table onto the kitchen floor and skitter around the baseboard toward the living room. We all give FIL the evil stare, eye roll and moan!!! He is laughing. (It was pretty funny.)

I'm now on my hands and knees, following Lizard around the kitchen, cups at the ready. He is pretty elusive. Fast as Jiffy on the run! I'm scrambling around and just when I think I've got him, I don't. He's off to the living room. MIL is saying, "Did you get him? Did you get him?". And I'm trying real hard to "get him." But it's just not that easy. Everyone is right behind me, watching. Finally, I get Lizard cornered behind the coat rack and after several failed attempts, I get him!!! Whew! I stand up, victoriously holding my two cups together! MIL says, "Are you sure he's in there??!" I look over at her and give the cups a good shake, just so she hears our friend getting a concussion in there and Emma says, "Mommy don't shake him so hard!"

Emma and I head outside to a tree in the front yard and set our little critter friend free. He doesn't seem too worse for wear and is off like a shot...fortunately for MIL in a direction headed away from the house! Ahhh, the sweet smell of success...and bacon in the kitchen! Just another day in the country.

Bumper Stickers

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 13:51:15 GMT

I've never really been a bumper sticker displayer on my car, but I confess I love to read the back of other people's cars. If I'm ever in an accident, God forbid, it's probably because I was trying to read the bumper stickers on the car in front of me.

I've seen a few interesting bumper stickers over the years:

"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer"

"I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs"

"If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you"

"I'm only speeding because I have to poop"

Then there's just weird ones:

"Excuse me, but I have minds to twist and values to warp"

"Don't make me release the flying monkeys"

"I'm all that's left of a bizarre childhood"

Now that I'm back in the South, here are a few interesting ones:

"American by birth, Southern by the grace of God"

"WWBD? What Would Bubba Do"

"100% Redneck"

And my new favorite (which I saw in the parking lot of the local library in my new town):

"SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress"

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Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

Picture this...

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 00:39:34 GMT

ME. At the beach. Sitting in my beach chair. Reading my "beach read". Then closing my eyes and breathing in the beach air. It smells of salt and sunscreen. It smells good. Listening to the beach birds, screaming for someone to feed them. Opening my eyes to view the beach people. Now aren't THEY hilarious. Very. You can tell the beach natives from the vacationers. The natives are brown and leathery. The tourists are FRIED.

I've already appropriately slathered up the kids with their 50 sunscreen. They are happily digging the moat for their awesome sand castle. Wait, no, they are riding the waves in on their boogie boards, HUGE grins on their faces. "Daddy look at me!" Their Daddy cheering them on. I am just sitting, watching, smiling. Toes digging in the sand. Such contentment.

There is a slight breeze, by the way. A perfect 85 degrees, partly cloudy. The sun peeks in and out. Playing hide and seek. It's nice that way. I reach over to the cooler and pull out something cold to drink. Preferably something with a twist top, so you can set it back in the cooler. That way it can stay cold and you can avoid getting the icky sand bottom! Gross. Nobody likes icky sand bottom...either on your Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper OR on your "other" bottom! Ewww.

It's time for a walk down the beach. Hubby and I start heading in the direction of the pier. The kids run on ahead of us, picking up shells that we will "have to" take home with us later. For what?? I don't know, but we always do it anyway. They throw some at the waves. They chase the gulls. We walk. The pier is getting a little closer, but then we decide to head back.

It's about 6 PM on the beach now. My favorite time of day here. The majority of the horde of people have headed in to clean up and have dinner--hardly anyone left on the beach. The water is smooth like glass. The sun sinks lower in the sky. I don't want to go in just yet...just a little longer?? It's quiet, except for the rise and fall of the waves and the occasional cry of the gulls. It's sheer perfection.

A fabulous day at the beach. Boy, I really needed it.

Can't wait till I can actually do it in a couple of weeks!! Fantasy becomes reality! How did I get to be so lucky?

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“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea” ~Isak Dinesen