Red Van Ramblings: Autism Days

The Fixer

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 22:20:45 GMT

I've tried. I really have.

But I just can't seem to get inside his head.

I have tried to imagine the physical pain that certain sounds bring to his sensitive ears. I have tried to understand how he processes things. But I just can't. It isn't for lack of desire or lack of trying.

I believe it. I know it's true. I know he suffers as a result, but I can't feel it. I can't feel it and therefore, cannot understand how to fix it.

Herein lies my problem:

Inside of me there is this NEED. This undeniable need--to FIX things. Now I don't mean fix things as in "fix the busted microwave". I mean, fix the boo-boos in my children's lives--be they emotional or physical. I have decided this is an inherited trait. And I'd like to blame it on my daddy. He's an innate "fixer" as well. He doesn't deny this. And now, I guess, neither do I. I guess by fixing things it makes me feel like I am doing a good job and being a good mom. And being a good mom means I love my kids. It validates who I am--the thing I love most about my life--being a mother.

Here's how this is a problem:

Inevitably, there are things--boo-boos, if you will--that are not fixable and maybe they don't need fixing. I have said on many occasions that I do not in any way believe that my son is "broken". He doesn't need "fixing". I believe that God created him as the masterpiece that he is. I think I want to fix things so that he can walk through his life and feel proud of who he is, just as he is. Fix it so there is such a huge influx of kids who want to be his friend that we can't possibly accommodate all the friendship that is offered. Fix it so that his life is not so hard for him to navigate. Fix it so that I can alleviate the constant frustration he feels with everyday tasks that seem mundane to many of us. Fix it so that he sees his amazing gifts, abilities and potential.

So, I, in my own power, can't fix it. I CAN'T FIX IT. What does that mean about me? I find that my inability to fix these things causes me to doubt my abilities as a mother. Then I start to get sucked into the "vortex of negativity." It begins to stir up lies in my mind like, "I'm not good enough, because if I were, I'd be able to make this boo-boo okay." Cause that's my job as a mom, isn't it?

Or is it?

Here's the kicker:

By telling myself that I'm not good enough, am I not doing the same thing to myself that I want my son to STOP doing to himself? Devaluing myself. Beating myself up. Telling myself that I am less than who I really am.

Maybe I should go think about how I can fix that. Maybe not.

I think a big part of being a mom is knowing when to fix stuff and when to let it ride. It is a very fine line and often so hard to identify one situation from the other. I ask the Lord every day to give me the wisdom I need to know the difference.

This mothering business isn't for the faint of heart. But then again, neither is just being a human being walking around in this crazy crazy world!

A refreshing slice of aspie, indeed.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:26:11 GMT

"We are not puzzles. We are people." ~lastcrazyhorn

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I have been off the blog wagon lately. Seems like things have been very busy and I haven't just had time to sit and blog it out. So, I am having lots of blog fodder swirling around in my brain and I may just have to break it down into some separate blogs. SO much going on!

*Hmm. What to choose, what to choose*

Something cool happened to me last week.

Just as Jacob is working his way through the beginnings of puberty and we are readdressing some challenges that he has experienced in the past, autism awareness month comes along and I am searching cyberspace for some good quotes regarding autism. *POOF* I was led here. This is the blog of lastcrazyhorn. Her blog is titled "Odd One Out: Reality with a refreshing slice of aspie". She is a woman who has Asperger's. She, and many folks similarly diagnosed, refer to themselves as "Aspies". I kinda like it myself. ;-) She is a graduate student studying music therapy. She is not only a musician, but an artist as well. Be sure and check out her drawing for Autism Awareness Month--very cool. Check out her blog--she has some great things to share. And lots of Asperger's/autism resources! (Thanks for allowing me to give you a SHOUT OUT, lastcrazyhorn!)

I don't believe in accidents or coincidence. It is not a coinkydink that I came across her blog. When I commented on her blog and asked for some suggestions with Jacob, she was so gracious to reply. Her insight into some of the things Jacob is dealing with is invaluable--since she has personal experience! She is the real deal.

Here are some of the things she shared with me, after I expressed my concerns about Jacob coming to a place of self-acceptance :

"Acceptance of one's Aspie qualities truly starts with true acceptance of one's self. I developed that before I ever discovered the aspie part of the deal.

I worked intensively on this for one summer, and have made it a continued part of my existence ever since (that makes it a time period of about 4 years).

First I established what I things in life I knew to be true–what aspects of the world that I believed in (I went really simple at first, starting with gravity). From there I worked up into who I trusted, what I believed about the world, what I knew to be true of myself.

Next, I followed up by telling myself I loved myself every day, but I didn't leave it at that; no, I told myself that I loved myself, but I also said why. I gave myself examples to look at, and in turn, I started to see those examples in real time in real life.

I think this might be an aspie thing, because I've talked with a few others here and there about it. It's not enough to say something like "I love you," without explaining why, because so often in life, it is proven to us that people will say one thing, but then do a completely different thing. Not saying that this applies to you personally, but I think that's just how the thought pattern gets established."

I really, I mean, REALLY, loved this:

"Humans are like pieces of art. Some of us are dull, predictable, standard . . . and then there are aspies. We challenge the standard. We invent new colors. We change the perspectives of our viewers. We highlight the details that you thought were unimportant. Our ideas last from century to century, while the standard pieces get shoved away in the basement. To call an aspie "defective" is like calling Picasso's cubism style "defective." Sure, it's different, and not everyone understands it, but it is known far and wide as his style, and while it is often imitated, it is only infrequently mastered."

WOW. WOW.

She also suggested some helpful links, and in the spirit of autism awareness month, I thought I'd pass them along as well.

-The Gray Center for learning and understanding. This is a great article called "The Discovery of Aspie Criteria".

-Top Ten Traits of Autistic People

-Wrong Planet. This is a website, as lastcrazyhorn put it, with a whole bunch of aspies, all experiencing the same sorts of things.

-Lastcrazyhorn is studying music therapy. Here's what she had to say about it:

"Music therapy is a type of therapy that helps treat the entire person, in a non-invasive way. I think for aspies, music therapy's main two benefits are the release of otherwise unspeakable/nameable emotions and then also some extra social skills training (they often do this through drum circles; an experience that requires some give and take on the parts of those involved).
Of course, I'm in grad school for music therapy. On one hand, you could say I'm biased towards it; but on the other hand, you could say that I just know what I'm talking about. Also, music therapy has been shown to especially have a good effect (usually--there's always the exceptions) for people on the autistic spectrum. Besides, music therapy is just fun."

These are just a few things she shared with me. But she has shared even more...more than I think she knows. For me, she has become an unexpected friend, an ally in our journey into the spectrum. Someone who has truly given me "a refreshing slice of aspie"...and I think it is really yummy. Thanks. Here's to YOU, lastcrazyhorn.

Autism speaks. Let's listen.

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 14:04:32 GMT

First I would like say thanks for all the allergy well wishes! Thanks to my new over-the-counter friend, Zyr*tec, I am feeling MUCHO better. It took about 4 days after starting the medicine, but it really did the trick. My eye finally stopped crying and now I am just dealing with the aftermath of that...skin that is dry and patchy and trying to regenerate! Ha!

On a more serious note...

Today, April 2nd, is the very first World Autism Awareness Day. April is Autism Awareness Month.

"Autism is a complex brain disorder that inhibits a person's ability to communicate and develop social relationships, and is often accompanied by extreme behavioral challenges. Autism spectrum disorders are diagnosed in one in 150 children in the United States, affecting four times as many boys as girls. The diagnosis of autism has increased tenfold in the last decade. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have called autism a national public health crisis whose cause and cure remain unknown." ~Autism Speaks

Eight years ago, almost to the day, my son, Jacob was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a high functioning form of autism. Though it was a shock at the time, we know we are incredibly blessed to have this gifted child as our son. I see his giftedness. But many don't. This is why I feel spreading awareness about autism is so important.

Autism is a hidden disability. Because children with autism look like everyone else, they are often mistaken by "well-meaning onlookers", who have perfect children, as a disciplinary issue that could easily be solved by a good solid butt-whoopin'. Oh, that it could be that simple.

Chances are, you have encountered someone with autism.

Next time you see a kid having a meltdown at your local Super Wal*Mart, think twice before you pass judgment on that kid and his mom. Think twice before you offer free advice to her about her parenting skills. Perhaps instead you can be understanding. Be aware of the possibility that there is something more going on. Maybe the crying baby on the next aisle has assaulted his sensitive ears to the point where he is screaming and falling down boneless on the floor. What is just background noise to you may very well be causing physical pain to an autistic child and without the ability to verbally express what is upsetting him, he reacts the only way he can. It's probably not because his mom won't let him get the Cap'n Crunch he likes for breakfast.

The social cues that you and I naturally pick up on are foreign concepts that have to be taught to those with autism. Something so natural as responding when someone speaks to you, for example. Or turn taking in a conversation. He may have no friends. He may react wildly when he loses a game of checkers. He may never be invited to birthday parties. He may scream and tear up a test he made a mistake on. Or he may not speak at all.

He may learn to tie his shoes and ride a bike. He may one day say, "I love you, Mom." Maybe one day he'll let you see into his world.

Or he may be the first chair trumpet. He may be the math whiz. He may have 500 Pokemon cards or be able to name every brand of vacuum cleaner ever produced. He may be a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. He may have composed famous symphonies. He may have been a famous physicist or a famous author. You just never know.

Don't underestimate persons with autism, try to understand.

"Autism is about having a pure heart and being very sensitive… It is about finding a way to survive in an overwhelming, confusing world… It is about developing differently, in a different pace and with different leaps.
Autistic beings develop and bloom if their spirits, talents and self-esteem are not destroyed by bullies, prejudice, ‘doggie-training’, and being forced to be ‘normal’.” ~Trisha Van Berkel

For more information about autism: Autism Speaks, OASIS: Online Asperger Syndrome Information and Support, Autism Society of America

What They Think They Know

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 16:28:53 GMT

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ~Thomas Edison

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." ~Albert Einstein

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I came across something very interesting yesterday and I want to share it with you.

This was an article published at wired.com called "The Truth About Autism: Scientists Reconsider What They Think They Know." Part of what it addresses is something I feel very strongly about--Maybe autism isn't something that needs to be FIXED. Maybe it's something that needs to be understood. Maybe people with autism have brains that are different, not disordered, defective or diseased. See, I don't see my son as someone who needs to be cured or fixed or forced to be like everyone else. I see him as an incredible unique individual with God-given gifts and abilities that are integral to our family and to our society. A direct quote from the article: "The condition [autism], they say, shouldn't be thought of as a disease to be eradicated. It may be that the autistic brain is not defective but simply different — an example of the variety of human development. These researchers assert that the focus on finding a cure for autism — the disease model — has kept science from asking fundamental questions about how autistic brains function." Monies are made available to find cures, but not to study differentness.

If there were no people on the autism spectrum, there would, in my opinion, be no understanding of gravity, no E=MC2. There would be no Apple computers, no Microsoft, no light bulbs. There would be no penicillin. We would still be sitting around in the dark, thinking we were going to fall off the edge of the earth, trying to make fire and dying of infection caused by paper cuts...but then, would there be any paper? Many autistic people have an incredible ability to hyper-focus. To be so intensely interested in what fascinates them that they will not stop until they get their desired result. In day to day life, it can almost be crippling for some, but in the long run, that intensity of focus creates some amazing outcomes. Why do we want to "cure" that? That quirkiness, that differentness? That amazing gift? If we were meant to be cookie cutter people, we would be.

[Some may disagree, and that's okay. Maybe it's easier for me to say, "don't cure my son", because he is high functioning, he is 'verbal', he manages very well at school, etc. He does do very well. And I am very thankful for that every single day. So, please understand, I don't discount the experiences of those whose children are severely affected and may be praying for a cure. Everyone has their own opinion and experiences. With that said...]

One of the focuses of this article is a 27 year old woman named Amanda Baggs. She has autism and she doesn't speak...at least not in the conventional way most people do. She uses a software application on her computer that generates a synthesized voice...she types it, the computer speaks it. Incredibly, she types 120 words per minute. Mainstream society would label her "non-verbal". I beg to differ. She communicates more articulately and with more passion and thought than most of our "neurotypical" society does. She has also created several youtube clips which she says are a political statement meant to demonstrate to people how they underestimate those with autism.

Take a look at one of her youtube clips:

Rethink what you think you know. Reconsider what you consider communication. Be sensitive to those around you. Don't underestimate, understand. Try to speak their language. They speak loudly if we will listen.

One of "Those" Days.

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 15:55:56 GMT

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey
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It's been a long time since we've had one and unfortunately, I guess I've gotten sort of complacent.
I don't write about this much because our lives aren't defined by our son's autism. I don't want people thinking it's all of who Jacob is and I don't want people's pity. (I do, on the other hand, want their understanding.) He's SO much more than Asperger's Syndrome.  It's something we deal with on a daily basis and it's become such a routine part of how we live that sometimes, I think I forget...well not really, but...he's come such a LOONNG way. He's really quite amazing. But some days, his autism becomes too big for him. He works so hard every day to maintain control over the things that challenge him. I'm so immensely proud of him. But then it also breaks my heart all at the same time that he has to work so hard at it.
Today, I've had a reality check. Some days, autism does run the show. Some days, I can't talk him through difficult moments. Some days are hard. They are much fewer and much farther between, but they do come, occasionally.
Jacob hasn't felt well for a few days and so I took him to the doc this morning. I expected a test for "strep" since he had been complaining of a sore throat. So I had prepared him for that. What I didn't expect is for the strep test to come back negative and for them to do a MONO test. Apparently it's been going around. YIKES.
Mono test = blood test = drawing blood = FREAK OUT.
I didn't anticipate the freak out part of the equation--I should have. I was trying to "talk him down" as it were. But today, he wasn't having it. There was so reasoning. Today, the autism won--for a little while.
Here's a visual: Screaming, writhing 12 yr old boy. Two nurses and me restraining screaming, writhing 12 yr old boy. "Stop siphoning blood from by body!!!" (It would have been funny if it weren't so heartbreaking.) Nurse 1 doing the finger stick. Admittedly, those finger sticks hurt WAY worse than the syringe-in-the-crook-of-the-arm blood draw, in my opinion.  And they hurt even worse when you've got a moving target. What's more, she didn't get a good stick the first time and had to have a second go. OY VEY.
End result: crying, hyperventilating child and crying mother complete with running nose. Gross, I know. But I couldn't exactly wipe it because my arms were occupied!!! That skinny little booger is a lot stronger than you think.
I want to give the nurses come credit though, they were very kind and were just doing their job and worked hard to try and make him feel better, so it wasn't their fault. He just couldn't help it. And mom couldn't help him "help it". Y'all ever have a case of the "cain't help its"?? Mom's magic wand was fresh out of pixie dust, apparently.
{Thankfully, mono test was negative and his blood work was good. "Just" a viral allergy thing.}
Every once in a while, I allow myself to cry about it. But only every once in a long while. It doesn't change what is. Why mourn something that doesn't exist? Why mourn when I have been given such an incredible child to love and nurture? He is a precious gift and we celebrate him every day. And if there were a "cure", I wouldn't want it--at least not for my sake. If it could make Jacob feel better about himself. If it would make him happy. If he wanted it. If it would prevent him from feeling like an outcast or an alien (as he likes to say), then yes. By all means, bring on the cure. A cure wouldn't prevent him from experiencing the pain any other "normal" kid experiences, though.  Would I want him any other way? Would I want him "normal"? No way. Not in a million light-years. He is an awesome kid.  He's adorable, hilarious, kind and loving. He's brilliant. And I love him to the point where I feel like my heart will explode. These days come and then as quickly as they've come, they go. We take things as they come and pray for wisdom and strength to walk through it.  God gives us strength and we survive. We survive and we grow and we love our amazing son. A little TLC and hot chocolate go a long way.
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We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~Author Unknown

Look again in your heart

Wed, 09 May 2007 03:28:43 GMT

Some days are just hard, ya know?

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"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran

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I read this quote a few times over and really had an "a-ha" moment. Go ahead, read it again. I'll wait....

"That which has been my delight" is my precious son, Jacob. I am sorrowful because of his pain. I haven't cried about him and his challenges in a while. But in truth, it is for him that I weep. I do give myself permission to do it periodically because it is something that I have to grieve as a mother. I grieve because his autism makes things so hard for him at times, and it pains me to the core to see him struggle. Really, there are no adequate words to describe how it pains me. If I could take away his pain, his self-hatred, his struggles, I would do it in a hot minute. But, understand this, I NEVER wish him to be different than he is. I don't ask "why" or try to point fingers at anyone or anything. He is who he is. And who he is, is such a tremendous gift to me and brings me so much joy. He makes me a better person. But sometimes I am at such a loss. I don't know how to convince him of his strengths. I can't make him see himself as his Dad and I see him, as God sees him. When he gets on his one track thought process, well, there's no derailing him.

Today has just been one of "those" days. A hard day at school for Jacob. A day where we (Jacob and I) are emotionally on edge and the weight of his autism is heavy on him. And I don't know how to make it all better. I can't slap a band-aid on it. It's not a boo-boo I can kiss. No amount of neosporin in the world will make the cut heal faster or diminish the scar. The invisible scar. As his mother, I should be able to fix it, right? That's what moms do.

I hold him and tell him I am here for him. I tell him "we'll work through it." I tell him that there are so many people who love him. I tell him I understand that he is frustrated, that it's okay to feel the way you feel, that I know he's had a hard day, but tomorrow will be better. All the things I have said a hundred million times before. Things that I will say a hundred million times more. My prayer is that one day he will see it for himself. I feel like if I say it enough times, eventually, he will believe it too. I pray and I trust God to bring us through.

So I pulled out a CD that has brought me through MANY a difficult day over the last 7 years or so. It's by Watermark. The song "Driven to Humility" hits me hard every time:

Driven to Humility

Christy Nockels, Watermark

I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

One thousand miles of road not taken

Sure I tremble, yet my faith will not be shaken

You’re teaching me, You’re in control

Sure the waves could knock me down but I say let ‘em roll

‘Cause I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

I don’t mean to boast about my tomorrows

But I’m resting in the man who knows my pain and all my sorrows

I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

Well, Your kindness brought repentance

For the years of foolish pride

Sometimes You’ve got to knock me down

Just so I can see the light

I have been chosen to be driven to humility

To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire

And even when I’m sturdy, I pray You’ll keep my knees dirty

May the heart of Your will be my only heart’s desire

I plug that sucker in my walkman and go for a run. I opted for that instead of raiding the pantry. I let the words of that song and the many others on that album soak into my head and slowly I feel my head moving back in the right direction. The direction that allows for my periodic breakdown, but quickly brings things back into perspective: God is in control. I am doing the best I can at any given moment. I'm just a mom who loves her son.

I remind myself of the words I spoke to my son earlier, "we'll work through it" and I try to be as compassionate to myself as I am to him. I remind myself that there are a lot of people who love me and it's okay to feel the way I feel. Today's a hard day, but tomorrow will be better.

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"Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." ~Jeremiah 31:13 (NIV)

"...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

Just another manic Monday.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 14:38:43 GMT

"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders." ~Jewish Proverb

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

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So, we've survived another morning of getting ready for school at my house. I would say that mornings can be a challenge for many families. But for Jacob, they can be especially difficult.

Here's how it goes...

7:15 am- Hey Emma, morning, wake up baby. (Emma opens eyes and stirs. I turn on light and open blinds.)

7:15 am- Jacob, hey buddy. Time to wake up. (turn on light and open blinds, go start breakfast, lunches, etc)

7:20 am- (More insistent) Hey buddy. Morning. Time to get up. (smooch and shoulder shake, pull covers off)

7:30 am- C'mon bud. Gotta get up now. Let's go. (pull covers off again, finish making breakfast)

7:30 am-(I hear bathroom light flick on and door close...It's Emma)

7:40 am-Jake, you gotta get up now. It's 20 til 8. Wake up. Do I need to put your feet on the floor?? (He hates that..More pulling off covers, holding them now, so he can't reach down and get them. I wait at the foot of his bed til I see he's actually getting up.)

7:43 am- Light switch click, bathroom door squeeeek. He's UP! Finally.

7:45 am- Jacob makes it to the table for breakfast. Bedhead and all. Emma's good for bedhead too.

8:00- Jacob finish your breakfast (it is his best meal of the day) Take your medicine. (He does and then shuffles off to where his clothes are in front of the gas logs fireplace. I finish making lunches while Jacob is "getting dressed")

8:03-I peek in to see what's going on. Jacob, still in his jammies, stands warming in front of the fireplace. "Jacob, pull your pajamas off."

8:05- (Breathing a silent prayer. Really trying not to yell...but wanting to. Knowing the yelling won't do anything but slow him down because he will say, "now you're yelling at me!") JACOB! Why haven't you pulled of your pajamas?? Hurry up!! It's 5 after 8! Come on.

(Some days, at this point, I end up dressing him just so we can be semi on time. Sometimes, we continue with the step-by-step, "Okay, now pull off your shirt. Now put on your other shirt." He's now holding up his clothes to the glass front of the fireplace to warm them. "Okay, buddy, now they are warm enough. Put them on.") You get the picture.

Between 8:10-8:15-We finally make it to the bathroom to brush teeth and hair. That is another whole ritual.

Now, the first bell rings at 8:25 am, and (thankfully) we live about 1/2 block from the kids' school, so we can leave at the last minute.

8:23 am- The three of us walk out the door and head out to meet the day.

Emma: Bye Mom, love you. (Hug, kiss)

Me: I love you baby.

Jacob: Bye Mom, love you, see you at 2:55. (Hug, kiss)

Me: I love you too, buddy. Have a great day.

That's pretty much every Monday thru Friday morning around here, and my husband is in the mix too, getting himself ready for work and chiming in every once in while with a "come on buddy, do what mom says". It's a crazy cycle.

And I try not to get frustrated, because I know he struggles. But then I say to myself..."He's 12..shouldn't he have this down pat by now??" Then I feel guilty. Then I am reminded of Monday's past--meltdowns and tantrums and yelling and "WHYYYY MOM". Those days are gone. He has come such a long way. Thank you, Lord.

He's such a great kid. And Emma is so cool. She tries to help him. I hear her saying in the mornings: Come on Jacob, get dressed. Get your shoes on. She has even brushed his hair for him in the mornings from time to time.

In the midst of all the frustration, I have to still my mind. I feel incredibly blessed. These are two amazing individuals, my children. They remind me of what is important, that I need to be patient. I need to be grateful to God for every moment I have with them. That every moment is important and an opportunity for all of us to grow.

Another beautiful Monday.

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"While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about."
~Angela Schwindt

April - AUTISM Awareness Month

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 23:40:44 GMT

I just wanted to put a little plug in here....The month of April is Autism Awareness Month. This is very personal for me and my family, the long version is a topic for another day, but the short version goes like this...My sweet son, Jacob (now 12) was diagnosed at age 5 with Asperger's Syndrome, which is on the autism spectrum. He is an amazing kid...and quite adorable as you can see from the photos! We have had some tough times. However, he has made tremendous progress and is having a great 6th grade year. He is in the mainstream classroom, has a very animated personality and is quite the smarty, if I do say so myself! (Plus, he's a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, so watch out!!)

I feel it is so important to get the word out because autism can be a hidden difference and with the right education and information, people can become more sensitive when they see a child behaving in certain ways. Kids don't need to be labeled as weird or behavior problems. Those children and their parents and siblings just want to be understood and looked on with compassion. We are, after all, all of us, simply doing the best we can on any given day, in any given situation. And truly, I don't feel sorry for myself or for my son. There are times when it hurts to see him struggle, especially when it comes to social things, but I don't think he is "broken" or needs to be "fixed". My prayer is, that in time, he will come to view himself in the same light and be proud of his particular gifts...and there are many! I am thankful every day for my son. He makes me a better person.

There is more and more information out there every day about autism. Google autism and you will come up with more hits than you could read in a weeks time. I am very grateful for that. When Jacob was diagnosed in April 2000, Asperger's had only been an official diagnosis for 6 years! Now there are many, many books, websites and magazine articles dedicated to autism. Even OPRAH is on the bandwagon now...she did a whole show last week dedicated to autism awareness. So we're really on the map now! You know what happens when Oprah draws attention to something...

Okay, so there's my soapbox. There are links to some good websites on my page and hopefully we can all be more informed and have the opportunity to be blessed by knowing someone with autism. I know I am.